


The Adventures of Longcat and Thick Owl

by proletaricat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Bromance, Crack Fic, Kenma loses it, M/M, Nicknames, best thing I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-05 23:52:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10320425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proletaricat/pseuds/proletaricat
Summary: Kuroo and Bokuto give their dicks nicknames. Kenma is driven to the brink of madness, and then hurled over the edge. Akaashi acts as witness.It's hilarious. Read it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> yeah um... so... this happened.

“Thick Owl’s ready to rumble when you are, kitty cat,” Bokuto said with a wink, leaning confidently against the doorway as he leered at Kuroo. Kuroo returned his grin, looking Bokuto up and down.

“Don’t worry, Longcat’s plenty ready to rendezvous with Thick Owl. Whenever you’re ready, babe, just let me know. We’ll get Thick Owl and Longcat together and have a nice play session.”

“Thick Owl’s excited just thinking about it,” Bokuto responded, eyes glimmering. “Thick Owl’s _really_ excited.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Longcat knows,” Kuroo purred.

Kenma made a noise of disgust from where he was, seated on the couch next to Kuroo and playing video games. “Stop talking about your dicks,” he groaned, shooting a glare when Kuroo laughed.

Akaashi, sitting on the other side of Kenma, watched the interaction with well-concealed confusion. Kenma, ever perceptive, side-eyed Akaashi. “They named their dicks,” he explained.

“Thick… Owl? And Longcat?” Akaashi asked quietly, a little disturbed. Kuroo and Bokuto had not ceased their commentary about how Longcat and Thick Owl were going to… _rendezvous_ later that day.

Kenma rolled his eyes. “Imagine how it is with my room right next to Kuroo’s,” he said moodily, sending another poisonous glare in Kuroo’s direction. Akaashi winced.

“They say that during _sex_?”

“ _It’s all they fucking talk about_ ,” Kenma hissed. “’Oh god, Bokuto, Thick Owl feels so good, Longcat’s so hard for you’,” he said, pitching his voice lower in mockery.

“You’re joking.”

“I’m _not_. You wanna stay here tonight? Please, take my bed, I’ll sleep out here and get some _peace_.”

“I’ll pass.”

“I’m going to record them one day. For blackmail material,” Kenma mumbled, turning his attention back on his game.

“Send me a copy,” Akaashi responded, opting to continue watching the drama unfolding in front of him.

“Bet you can’t wait to get your hands on Longcat. Pet him real good.”

“Yeah, yeah, and you can—you can pet Thick Owl!”

“Do you pet owls?” Kuroo asked, tilting his head in thought.

“Akaashi,” Bokuto said, turning his attention to the setter. “Do you pet owls?”

“Do not include me in this…” he made an uncertain gesture with his hand. “Whatever this is.”

“Google it, Brokuto,” Kuroo prompted, well aware that when Akaashi said no he _meant_ no.

“Good idea, Kubroo.”

The two were silent, Kuroo leaning over so that he could look at Bokuto’s phone as he typed in his question to google.

“It says—owls don’t make good pets.”

“Well that doesn’t answer the question,” Kuroo said, eyebrows furrowed. “I wanna know if you can pet an owl.”

“Maybe—maybe you only pet furry things.”

“Owls are furry, aren’t they?”

“No, bro, they have _feathers_.”

Kuroo nodded, eyes wide as if he had just received a revelation. “That makes _so much sense_ , bro.”

“I _know_. Maybe—maybe there’s another word for what you do to owls.”

“What’s a synonym for pet?” Kuroo asked, turning to Kenma and repeating the question.

“Go fuck yourself,” was the gamer’s surly response.

“That’s not very nice, Kenma,” Kuroo pouted.

“Die.”

“Aww come on, use your big brain and help us out.”

“I’m sorry, are you suddenly illiterate and incapable of looking up the answer on google like you just did with your _stupid owl question_?” Kenma growled, turning his body to face the two full-on. He had suffered through _weeks_ of this, ever since Kuroo and Bokuto had gotten drunk and named their dicks. He was _done_. They were all a little taken aback by Kenma’s expressiveness and the venom in his voice, considering Kenma often appeared emotionless and quiet.

“Uh… sorry,”

“Sorry doesn’t erase the last few weeks from my brain, _Kuroo_.”

With that, Kenma turned away, turned up the volume on his game, and continued playing. A thick silence descended upon the room until it was broken by Bokuto pulling google up again on his phone. “Okay. Synonyms for pet,” he said, nodding as he typed it in. Kuroo’s attention switched back to the phone.

“How about caress? Caress the owl… no, no way.”

“Um… cuddle?”

They both made a face at that one.

“Fondle!”

“That just sounds wrong. Fondling an owl.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Uhh… oh! Stroke!”

Kuroo and Bokuto shared a wide-eyed look. “ _Yes_ ,” Kuroo said emphatically. “You _stroke_ an owl.”

They nodded. “Come stroke my Thick Owl, Kuroo.”

“Only if you caress my Longcat,” Kuroo paused. “Okay, no, caress definitely doesn’t work with cats. Fondle?”

“I don’t think fondle works with _anything_ ,” Bokuto said slowly. “Maybe…” he unlocked his phone, pulling up the synonym page again. His eyebrows furrowed as he scrolled down the page. “ _Dandle_? What does that even mean?”

“Dandle my cat?”

They broke out into a fit of laughter, earning themselves another glare from Kenma and some serious side-eye from Akaashi.

“O-okay, okay, let’s be serious,”

“Not possible,” Kenma mumbled mutinously from his position on the couch. They were so _loud_.

“I will not deign to dignify that with a response,” Kuroo said haughtily, winking at Kenma. Kenma ignored him.

“Wow, bro, nice vocabulary,” Bokuto complimented.

“I _know_. So, uhh, not… not d-dandle,” Kuroo could barely get the word out without snickering. “Rub?”

“ _Rub_ a cat?” Bokuto gave Kuroo a skeptical look.

“Okay, okay, yeah, you’re right. Weird. What about… well, why can’t we use pet?”

“It’s cliché.”

“Well if it’s cliché, wouldn’t using stroke for owl be cliché?”

Kenma dropped his controller and tugged at his hair. “Just—fucking—pet the owl, stroke the cat, now get _out_.”

Kuroo winked at Kenma. “Already out, sweetheart,” he said, shooting Kenma the finger guns.

Kenma stood suddenly, grabbing some of his things and walking to the front door. “I’m leaving, bye.”

Akaashi scrambled to follow. “Don’t leave me here with them!”

 

x

Alone, Bokuto and Kuroo didn’t take long to get down to business. They stumbled through the doorway of Kuroo’s room, tumbling down onto the bed. Scrambling to the center, Kuroo pinned Bokuto down and straddled him, smirking down at the male.

“The cat has caught the owl,” he purred. Bokuto shared the grin, hands going to Kuroo’s hips, grip tight.

“Is it really catching if the owl went willingly?” the other male posited.

“Shh, just go with it,” Kuroo mumbled, leaning down to drag his teeth down Bokuto’s neck. The man groaned, head tilting back and hands gripping Kuroo’s hips tighter.

“Ahh, fuck,” Bokuto hissed, grinding up against the man atop him. “It’s been so long since we’ve been able to do this,” his voice was tight as he spoke, eyes closing as Kuroo returned the grind.

“We literally had sex this morning, Bokuto…” the dark-haired man admonished.

“Too long have I waited for your touch,” he responded with a sigh.

“It’s been like… _five_ hours only…”

“Five hours too long, five hours without your touch,” Bokuto said dramatically, eyes opening and tracking Kuroo’s movements. They grinned at each other; half the fun of the sex was the banter. Kuroo rolled his body, grabbing Bokuto’s hands and pinning them to the bed next to the man’s head.

“Okay, baby, let me sate your thirst,” he purred, finally moving in to press a kiss onto Bokuto’s lips. The kiss was returned with fervor, mouths opening and tongues intertwining. Kuroo began to kiss his way down Bokuto’s body, the other groaning and arching into his lover’s touch.

“You’re sating my thirst so good, babe,” Bokuto gasped. Kuroo and the author both realized the two men were still clothed, and so Kuroo and Bokuto removed their clothing so that they continue their sexcapades.

Kuroo nipped and kissed the skin of Bokuto’s body, tongue dragging down his abs. “Fuck you’re hot,” he groaned, burying his face in the stomach of the man below him.

“Yeah,” Bokuto agreed.

“You’re not supposed to agree, say like, ‘You’re hot too baby’ or something,”

“But it’s true.”

Kuroo sighed, shook his head and continued his descent down Bokuto’s body. He slid his hand up the man’s thigh, up, up, up, until he reached—

“Ah yeah, Kuroo, pet Thick Owl good.”

“Don’t worry, I know how to stroke Thick Owl _just right_.”

“I thought we agreed on pet for Thick Owl and stroke for Longcat?”

“Shhh,” Kuroo shushed, agile fingers stroking up and down Thick Owl.

Bokuto pressed up into Kuroo’s grip, hand finding its way into the messy black hair, sliding through it affectionately. “Kuroo,” he said, voice breathy. “I think—I think it’s time for our rendezvous.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Where’s the meet-up point?”

“I think—Longcat and Thick Owl need to hug…”

Kuroo had sort of lost track of what meant what in their conversation, all of his blood having gone to Longcat.

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Kuroo mumbled, sitting back up so he could press Longcat and Thick Owl together. He groaned as Bokuto’s hand joined his in wrapping around the two, stroking slowly. “Fuck,” Kuroo hissed, hips stuttering as he jerked into their combined touch.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Bokuto said seductively. Kuroo smirked, still rocking his hips against Bokuto, Longcat and Thick Owl sliding against each other easily, slick with precum.

“Who’s doing what?” Kuroo asked, biting his lip and closing his eyes as he fell into the pleasure of being pressed against Bokuto.

“Coin toss?”

“I’m heads,” Kuroo mumbled, yelping as Bokuto twisted and knocked Kuroo onto his side. Bokuto rummaged around in the bedside table drawer for a minute, seeking loose change. He found a quarter and looked triumphantly back at Kuroo. They fistbumped.

Bokuto sat up, placing the quarter on his hand for easy flippage while Kuroo counted them down. “One… two…”

“Three!” they shouted in unison, Bokuto launching the quarter into the air. They watched as it hit the ground, holding their breath as it spun on its side. It started to wobble and then fell…

“Fuck yeah!” Kuroo shouted. “Heads!”

Bokuto gave Kuroo a dejected look, sighing forlornly.

“Bro, you love bottoming,” Kuroo reminded. Bokuto blinked.

“Bro, you’re _right_. Okay, awesome, stick it in me.”

Kuroo smirked, pressing Bokuto back down into the bed again. “You want some Longcat action?” he purred, hands sliding down the male’s body and pushing his thighs apart. He leaned over quick to grab the lube and a condom from the bedside table.

“Gotta give Longcat his raincoat!” Bokuto said with an appreciative nod.

“You wanna put Longcat’s raincoat on Longcat?” Kuroo asked seductively, stroking Longcat lazily.

“Hell yeah I do,” Bokuto excitedly grabbed the condom, pausing before ripping it open. “Wait. You gotta prep me for Longcat’s entrance, bro.”

“Ah, shit, you’re right,” Kuroo said with a sigh. He got to business preparing Bokuto for Longcat’s intimate visit, coaxing more fluids from Thick Owl. “Look, baby, Thick Owl’s crying for me.”

Bokuto groaned, stroking Thick Owl as he looked down at Kuroo. “Or drooling.”

“Do owls drool?”

“I don’t think they cry…”

“… _salivating_.”

“ _Yes_ , bro. _Perfect_.”

“Look at Thick Owl salivate for me,” Kuroo purred, leaning over and kissing it teasingly. Bokuto’s abs flexed as he held himself back from thrusting Thick Owl against Kuroo’s face.

Kuroo worked his fingers (or, as they nicknamed them, Longkittens) in and out of Bokuto, twisting and pressing against his walls. “I think you’re ready, Brokuto.”

“I think I am too, Kubroo,” Bokuto responded, gazing up at Kuroo affectionately. Kuroo withdrew his longkittens, nipping at his lover’s hipbones as he pulled back. He wiped the extra lube from his longkittens onto one of Bokuto’s impressive thighs, passing over the condom.

“Put the raincoat on him, babe.”

“My pleasure,” Bokuto responded, tearing the condom open and sliding it onto Kuroo’s Longcat, giving it a few long strokes. “I’m ready for you,” he said, speech directed at Longcat. He repeated the statement as his gaze switched to Kuroo. “I’m ready for Longcat.”

Kuroo spread Bokuto’s legs, moving to position Longcat at Bokuto’s entrance. He gripped it firmly, steadily pushing it inside slowly. Bokuto let out a groan, hand falling to Thick Owl to squeeze the base.

“Longcat feels so good,” Bokuto hissed.

“Yeah, take it,” Kuroo’s hand joined Bokuto’s on Thick Owl, stroking from beak to tail.

Bokuto shuddered, hips flexing as he pressed Thick Owl into Kuroo’s hand. He grinded back against Longcat as Kuroo began withdrawing and slowly sliding back in. “Fuck,” Kuroo hissed, dropping to his forearms above Bokuto. The other male’s legs were spread wide, one resting on Kuroo’s shoulder – the perks of being a flexible, young athlete.

The dark-haired male started a slow rhythm, muscles flexing as he pulled out and slowly pushed back in – _deep_. Bokuto let out a little gasp of pleasure with each slide of Longcat against his walls.

“Bro,” Bokuto moaned, watching the way Kuroo pressed deep inside of him. He was so damn _sexy_. “Longcat feels so good,” the male gasped, eyes closing and rocking up into the thrusts.

“Yeah, baby,” Kuroo responded, speeding up his pace. He shifted to press a hand against Thick Owl, stroking it sloppily. Bokuto buried a hand in Kuroo’s hair, the other moving to his lover’s ass to grip tight as he met the thrusts the best he could.

“Thick Owl feels so good in my hand, Bokuto.”

“Y-you feel good,” the man into Kuroo’s touch, eyes shut tight. “Y-your hand—your _longkittens_ feel so good wrapped around Thick Owl.”

“Fuck yeah, take it,” Kuroo hissed, leaning down to bite Bokuto’s neck as his hand stroked Thick Owl’s body quicker, the pace of his thrusts speeding up to meet that of his longkittens on Thick Owl.

Bokuto let out a low whine, biting his lower lip, muscles tensing. He was so _close_. “K-Kuroo,” he gasped. “Please, _please_ , I—Th-thick Owl needs it faster,” he pleaded. He struggled from the stimulation, unsure if he wanted to get Longcat deeper or to thrust Thick Owl into Kuroo’s longkittens.

“I’m—I’m going to—”

Kuroo gasped sharply, burying his face in Bokuto’s neck. “Me too,” his thrusts erratic, he slammed Longcat in deep – once, twice, three times, and came. It didn’t take Bokuto long to join Kuroo in his climax, Thick Owl releasing its sex milk all over Kuroo’s chest.

They panted, Kuroo withdrawing Longcat from inside Bokuto and twisting to flop down next to him as they both panted – trying to regain their breath. Kuroo reached over to grab a cloth – somebody’s shirt – to wipe off Thick Owl’s pre-owlets from their stomachs. Bokuto gave Kuroo a dopey smile. “Thanks, bro.”

“Any time, bro,” Kuroo responded softly, affectionately. He tossed the shirt aside, snuggling up next to his bro. Bokuto blinked, looking around at the room.

“Since when do you have video game posters?”

Kuroo’s blood drained out of his face as he sat up, taking in his surroundings. “Fuck,” he hissed, frozen in horror. Bokuto’s mouth opened, closed, opened again.

“We—this is Kenma’s room isn’t it,” Bokuto said slowly, terrified. Kuroo winced, looking down at the ground. The cloth he had used to clean them up _wasn’t_ one of their shirts. Bokuto shifted to look at what Kuroo was, wincing. “That’s—that’s his favorite hoodie.”

“Well,” Kuroo said, exhaling slowly. “It was nice knowing you.”

“We’re going to die.”

They jumped as they heard the front door open.

“What do we do, fuck, what do we do Bokuto?”

“I don’t know, he’s _your_ roommate.”

They heard footsteps enter the hallway, walking toward the doorway to the room they were in. The footsteps paused, taking a few steps back and Kuroo heard the creak of the door to _his_ room opening. Silence descended upon the house. The birds stopped chirping. The bugs stopped buzzing. The wind stopped blowing.

“Kuroo,” Kenma said calmly, steps even and pace unhurried as he started toward his room again. “Did your parents take out a life insurance policy on you?” he questioned conversationally. Kuroo’s eyes widened. “How about you, Bokuto? Hypothetically, if you die, is there any money in it for your parents?”

“W-why?” Bokuto squeaked.

“I want to know if I have to murder your parents too. For the insurance money.”

The footsteps stopped at the entrance to the room. Kuroo and Bokuto heard the sound of Kenma gripping the door handle.

“I’m giving you five seconds to cover yourselves,” he said magnanimously. Kuroo and Bokuto made good use of those five seconds, hurrying to pull clothes on – not necessarily the correct clothes, but at least they were covered. The door creaked open, Kenma standing on the other side. They could see a concerned looking Akaashi in the background, watching Kenma warily.

“So, what is it? Is it just you two dying, or is it your parents too?” the smaller male asked, stepping inside the room, unwavering gaze locked onto his targets.

“U-um, just us,” Kuroo said, voice strained. Kenma paused in his advancing, gaze flicking to the floor where his _favorite hoodie_ sat, soiled. He took a moment to gather himself, inhaling deep, closing his eyes, and exhaling steadily. His eyes snapped open, glaring at Kuroo like a predator.

“Kenma, calm down—” Akaashi started, stepping forward to try to grab Kenma before he—okay, Kenma stooped down, grabbed the GameCube, and threw it at Kuroo’s face as hard as he could before Akaashi managed to get his arms around Kenma to hold him back. The gaming console narrowly missed Kuroo, bouncing off the wall behind them and leaving a large dent.

“I am going to fucking _murder you both_ but I’m going to do it _slowly_ ,” Kenma growled, struggling against Akaashi. “I’m going to make you wait, and I’m going to make your life a _living hell_ while you live every day in fear, unsure if that day is your last. You will _suffer_.”

Akaashi jerked Kenma to the side, leaving an escape route for Bokuto and Kuroo – who took it, gratefully, and ran from the room. Kenma let out a frustrated sound not unlike what a velociraptor might have made back in the Cretaceous Period.

Akaashi’s quick thinking and strength saved Bokuto and Kuroo from certain death, allowing them to live out the rest of their natural life spans. Kenma, meanwhile, descended into madness from the horrors he had been forced to endure. Akaashi acted as his caretaker.

x

_Later, after their escape but before Kenma fully succumbed to insanity:_

Kuroo affixed the device to Longcat, shifting it into a more comfortable position. He looked up at Bokuto, holding eye contact as he pressed the ‘on switch’. The device around Longcat started vibrating. Kuroo shot Bokuto a saucy wink. “Look, bro. Longcat’s purring for you.”

Bokuto groaned as he watched. “Kubroo… it’s _purrfect_.”

* * *

This story was inspired by a small portion of the Haikyuu wiki page on Bokuto:

 

 


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